pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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