I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
