She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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