I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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