12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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