Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
