Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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