he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
