so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
