When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You pole danced in your parka.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I DEMAND FORESKIN
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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