Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
