i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
