shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
