you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
