I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
