dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
