Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
