I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
