An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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