I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
