its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
