My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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