I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
