"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
