sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
