Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
