So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
