now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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