This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
