So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
