So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
