it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
