ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
