i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
