I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
