I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
