nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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