i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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