You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
