a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
