I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
