My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You have to summon your inner elephant
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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