Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
