So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
