can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
