Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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