I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
