I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
