can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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