Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
