it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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