I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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